How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Its true…
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
craving $300 all of a sudden
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said