[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
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wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.