My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
You Might Also Like
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.