Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Good point.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.