Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
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Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.