Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
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I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.