me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
You Might Also Like
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
The happy life.. 😊
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!