Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’