If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
You Might Also Like
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.