Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
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It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.