How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.