I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
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me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?