When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Basketball
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out