[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
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Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
And they lived apathetically ever after.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.