I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
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You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
This line from Airplane.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…