My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
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my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Happy Friday
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Life with a cat in one tweet
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?