[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
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I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.