Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
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A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
yes… yes…
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.