I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.