I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
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With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
New mindset, who dis?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I