BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
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Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
british sex workers really pound for pound
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.