*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
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I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.