I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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In space, no one can hear…
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
my proudest tweet
Me too door. Me too.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.