The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
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Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen