Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
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If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine