me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
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Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Is your wife single?
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Sing it!
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.