“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
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HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Stonehinge
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*