[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
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Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”