Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.