*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
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“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn