“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
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Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.