Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
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Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.