Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
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Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I’m literally crying
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips