If Mr Krabs owned a bar
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*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open