If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
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would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
These 3D printers are insane!
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them