Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.