When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.