Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
You Might Also Like
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
nature’s most graceful animal
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.