If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
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[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
The point of your 20s
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy