You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
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Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good