At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
You Might Also Like
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy