My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.