Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
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Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.