[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
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My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.