Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
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I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Ummm
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.