As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
twitter is a journey
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.