The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
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I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Meat Cute
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you