me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
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Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.