PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
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Hmmmmm
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.