My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
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I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses